what exactly I feel

Kadang-kadang aku susah nak paham apa yang aku rasa. suka ke tak. kawan ke bercinta. pelik kan. tak sure apa yang diri sendiri rasa adalah sangat tak cool. well, as everyone (?) knows aku ada crush kat opis aku. kan kan. dah tahu kan? and now the feeling is decreasing. untung la kalw graph dia makin lama makin turun, ni jadi masalah bila dia ada trun ada naik. tapi secara overall, memang dah berkurang. almost natural.

plus, tadi aku online fb kat opis sebab nak bergosip ngan yana. whats unexpected bila suddenly he popped up and say hi to me. WEIRD! usually I was the one who started the conversation. only this few day, I was holding myself from tegur him. and I had succeed. he was the one who started the chat la. weird kan. ke tak? ke biasa je. actually we only talked about work, office, and people around the office. how bored can it be when you have to talk about work all day. bluegh. just because I have a crush on him I layan dia. kalw dia tak masuk list crush, for sure I will ignore him. just like before I had a feeling towards him. semua benda yang dia cerita just directly went from right to left ear. no meaning. sekarang dah menyesal sebab took for granted. padan muka.

oh, tadi chat ngan dia for whole day. how nice kan that feeling. tu before ni lah punya cerita. actually I was merajuk because when I logged in FB this morning I saw his picture. a picture at his friend's wedding. and he is with a girl. i am NOT jealous. seriously. but I just feel slightly unfair. i am not sure either that girl is his girlfriend or what-so-ever. eh, apa motip aku tulis part ni kalw aku tak jealous? hewhewhew

*now I talk IF that girl is his girlfriend*

tak adil kan. dia ada girlfriend and he treats other girl(me) so nicely. he even remember the promise I made  with him last month. he reminds me about the promise and hope we can meet. isnt that we call as flirting? its unfair. UNFAIR. for both of us *me and his girlfriend* why girl always tend to hold what she feels. kenapa eh. kenapa susah sangat kita nak declare yang kita suka kat someone ni. aku memang tak lah nak declare ni. bukan tak berani. tapi the after effect buat aku rasa takut. i always think about what will happen if I do this and do that. so automatically I will hesitate. aku rasa tadi masa aku tengah chat, kakak and abang(euuuw) opis aku ternampak and they were gossiping la at the back. they suddenly talking about this mamat's girlfriend which is in sarawak. daerah mana lah, hape lah kan bagai. its so loud and I heard them word by word. they were like sengaja nak bagi aku dengar and bagi aku sedar diri. well hello, I dont have that crush-thing-whatsoever feeling lagi lah towards that mamat. (yeke ni ?) when I saw the picture i set my mind to sort my feeling and luckily this time my mind made my heart listened to what it said. so now its already sorted.di tambah lagi, aku rasa apa yang aku doa dah di makbulkan kowt. which I want Allah to show me if he is the right one or not. my instinct says hes not the one. plus some dream I had last few days.

in this current situation, i am so grateful to have leBai to layan me babbling about this and that. sometimes, she kinda harsh but thats better. she told me the right thing not the one that i want to hear. so i will get myself straight after talked to her. thanx bai. peh, punya la panjang post just to show my appreciation kat leBai.lol ok lah. nak tdo. esok nak kena pegi site. lama nyewww tak kena panas. oh my sunblock! night world